I made people giggle....

It was a serious rally. Serious subjects. And then the Raging Grannies, which are serious in their own, kind of silly way. Found the words for this sign on a sign held by a little old lady sitting on her walker at the rally in NYC. I can just hear her saying these words in her NYC accent.

Living with Deer

When the weather is warm and dry, I like to meditate very early in the morning out in nature. I have a special place under a large Douglas Fir, on a bank in the maples. On a Sunday morning in July, I was sitting in my spot, when I heard unusual sounds - soft, hesitant sounds I hear when deer are near, a snap followed by silence, then another sound. I peeked around the snowberry bush I was sitting behind to see a small deer up the path. It appeared to see me and stamped it's hooves in rapid succession. I could not tell if it had spots. We stared at each other for a moment, then I retreated behind the shrub to continue my meditation. After some time, I heard more hesitant snaps and peeked around the bush again. The deer was still there and it 'chuffed' at me (my made-up word for a sharp exhale with a little high-pitched throat sound). It repeated the sound several times, then turned and went up the path, paused and chuffed again. The sound has an aggressive quality to it. Was it trying to frighten me? The same thing happened a couple of months earlier, I was sitting in my spot when I heard an unfamiliar sound and peeked around the bush. This action frightened a tiny fawn who was climbing onto the path, causing it to scramble up the path. A big deer (momma?) appeared from above (the direction the fawn had gone), looked at me, and chuffed. It repeated this aggressive sound many times. It was a bit scary. I wondered if it might charge me. It turned and went up the path, chuffing along the way, then wandered around chuffing at the top of the bluff before leaving. I wondered about the significance of the strange sound. Deer certainly recognize humans, I run them out of the garden periodically. Perhaps, when they see my hatted head covered in a black tulle mosquito net peeking out from behind the bush, I don't appear human. I am seated and leaning forward to take a peek, so I'm shorter than a grown deer. I probably look like an animated blob, bobbing behind a bush. Perhaps they chuff to try to get this strange creature to reveal itself, so they know whether or not to be afraid.

This one is in front of our garden gate, eating aronia leaves. The garden is not deer fenced. I like to think we have an agreement, so far it has worked out. They can have all the aronia leaves they want, and they don't get inside the garden.

In the late '90s, I did a vision quest with dancing and meditation, which culminated in a ritual to reveal a power animal. Although I was somewhat ambivalent about the notion of a power animal, I was completely engaged in the whole dance meditation process. During the part where we were waiting for our animal spirit to appear - nothing came. Nothing. I was a bit worried that I would be the only person who did not get an animal. Eventually,  a hesitant deer showed up. My response? 'Wait, there must be a mistake, maybe another animal will come along?' Not yet ready to own a fraidy-cat deer as a symbol of power, I don't remember if I even bothered to look up the meaning of deer as a symbolic animal. I dissed my animal, no wonder it was hesitant to appear. I never had interactions with deer, they were not a part of my city life. It was exciting to see them, when they (rarely) appeared. However, until I moved to Oregon, deer were never a part of my life.

What have I learned about deer living around them? They are not as timid as I thought. Early one morning (around 5:20am, when it was too early to yell) I attempted to chase a deer out of a neighbor's blueberries. It moved about four feet and stood behind a snowberry bush watching me. Perhaps it assumed the two-legged creature was too stupid to have object permanence. It took a number of attempts to get it to move, and each time it moved a few yards, then stopped and waited for me to go away. I finally left it on another neighbor's front porch, looking in the window. (That neighbor wouldn't mind, and I needed to get to meditation.) When I jump around yelling and and waving my arms at them, they calmly stare at me with those big, brown eyes, like they have never seen such idiotic behavior. They are not easily intimidated. They seem patient. They expect me to give up and leave them alone. They like to eat my peas. It's disappointing when they get my peas. They also eat the leaves off apple trees, and aronia bushes. I have no problem with them eating aronia leaves. They can have all they want, if they leave the peas alone. Tulips. I gave up on tulips because they eat the flowers like lollipops. There are plenty of reasons to not enjoy deer in my garden. And, I still get excited when I see them. They bring wonder.

Redtail pair watches over Coho

You may have noticed the lone hawk sitting in one of the twin towers early in the mornings. Or you may have seen one circling over the cemetery and floating over the buildings of Coho. For the longest time, I could not tell what variety of hawk it could be. Early in the morning, with the bright background, it was difficult to see details in his feathers, and I never caught him flying away from the tree. At times, I could swear I heard the cry of a redtail near the orchard, but never saw the bird, which caused me to wonder if I was just hearing things. Yesterday he appeared with a partner, sitting in the twin towers. The smaller bird had her back to Coho, the larger bird, on his customary perch, sat facing west. The new bird's back feathers seemed dark and hard to read. However, her tail was on the short, square side. His tail was not visible from the side. She flew off to the west.
This morning they appeared on the same branches together facing Coho and the cloud cover made it easier to see their light colored breasts with a faint darker bar across the middle, and distinctive dark heads. They are looking like for-real redtail hawks. When the smaller bird flew away from the perch to the west, she flew to a nest in a tree in the neighborhood, a block or so away. I later saw her fly away from the nest, down towards Sunshine Corner gardens. Unless she was conducting a raid on a squirrels' nest, we may have redtail chicks to look forward to this spring!

Not a great photo, just the best we could do with our little cameras.

Solstice: owning the dark and being the light

I've noticed as the days have grown shorter and the nights longer, that I find myself listening to more introspective music like Together by Matthew Halsall and spending more time alone feels particularly nourishing. I love the long morning meditations, short evening meditations, and any time I take during the day to just stop. So much of meditation is noticing the thoughts, allowing them to be there, and disengaging. Some days the mental stimulation is greater, perhaps a creative project starts making itself known, and the practice is more challenging. Some days it could be a fear thought trying to disengage me from peace. The practice is always to acknowledge, or own it, and let it go to the best of my ability, and not beat myself up if I don't succeed. The continuity of the practice over time has created a field that allows dark thoughts to come up, and the spaciousness to not take them so seriously.

Recent dark events, physically violent acts, the outrageous lies told by our leaders, the plundering of our economy and environment to benefit those who don't need it, the denial of basic human rights to our neighbors, watching our semblance of a democracy being dismantled before our eyes, and other things too numerous to mention, can certainly feed our collective fears. As someone who does not go around killing others, it is easy for me to project all that darkness onto someone who does, assuming myself and others to be innocent victims of the systemic darkness. And, I don't hide away and close my eyes to what is happening. I'm fascinated by watching, wondering how we will get ourselves out of the mess, and contributing where I can.

If awareness is observing humanity into and out of existence like thoughts, are these dark times just a part of our collective meditation? Are we coming into being in a more complete way? Or are we taking ourselves out? Perhaps humanity is going through a cathartic shedding of its violent skin, breaking its own heart, and allowing something new to be birthed. Maybe, maybe not. Perhaps this is just the truth of this moment in time. More people are connected than ever before in our history. More people are willing to speak out against violence against women, and our planet, and each other than ever before in the history of humanity. The light is breaking through, even in this time of darkness. It is traveling around our planet at the speed of our internet connections.

Yummy Sesame-Coconut bars!

Some years ago, while Austin and I were in Ashland for the Shakespeare Festival, we came across these sesame-coconut bars at the coop. They were tasty and chewy, and when accompanied by a bite of chocolate - how much bliss could fit in your mouth at once?! So, determined to make my own, I mined the internet for sesame-coconut bar recipes. Alas, none came anywhere close. The coop in Corvallis sells a sesame bar with peanut butter, but I'm not a fan of peanuts. So experimentation began. Here is the recipe I am now using:

1 cup sesame seeds
3/4 cup coconut
4 or 5 fancy medjool dates, chopped
Put these together in a food processor to chop the dates into really fine pieces and blend it all well.
1/3 cup almond butter (or more)
Put almond butter in food processor and blend well.
Add a half cup (more or less, or none at all) chocolate chips (equal exchange is good). Blend lightly.
1 Tbs coconut oil
2 Tbs honey
Melt these together, then add to food processor.
Salt to taste.
Blend well.

This will make a crumbly bar, a little dry, and lots of folks love them that way. If you would like a bar that sticks together better, then add 4 Tbs coconut milk and blend well.

4 Tbs coconut milk (optional)
Blend well.

Put in a square baking pan lined with wax paper, press the mix together with a spatula, and bake at 325 for 23 minutes. (325 was a number picked out of the air. I know next to nothing about baking. At 23 minutes, it is turning a little brown on the edges.) They cut easier if chilled. So I put them in the freezer after the pan cools off, then turn the pan out on a cutting board to cut.

You could eat this raw, if you are into raw. I find that raw, I taste all the individual bits. When cooked, it gels into a whole different animal. The flavors mingle better.

I use them like energy bars between classes. They are also a nice gluten free dessert for friends who prefer gluten free.

If made without chocolate, I'm sure our parrot would be really appreciative of a bite!

Life... and its occasionally bumpy ride

When I used to work at a clinic that served mainly women over forty years old, I never failed to note the irony that right when most women are going through the hormonal changes of menopause, their children were deep in the agonies of puberty and adolescence. Just when a mom’s resources for staying centered, grounded in reality, and compassion are at their lowest, the children are needing herculean amounts of patience and understanding. And so, in another one of life’s practical jokes, just as I appear to be embarking on a second round of menopausal excitement, my beloved is having his own hormonal changes.

Eleven years ago, after over a year of spending every night throwing the covers off and putting them back on, over and over, all night long, and never feeling rested in the morning, of trying every natural hot-flash remedy on the market, plus traditional Chinese medicine, of upping the doses - hoping for a good night’s sleep – I gave up the search. Through it all I worked thirty-two hours a week as a nurse and taught six or seven Nia classes a week, without ever feeling fully rested. I didn’t know what ‘normal’ felt like, anymore. So, I opted for bioidentical hormone replacement therapy. The doses are titrated to the lowest dose of estrogen needed to control symptoms, plus progesterone to balance the estrogen. I have enjoyed good sleep, for the most part, and no hot flashes. At ten years into the therapy, my doctor decided it was time to wean me off, and we have been decreasing the dosage for over a year. Last March, I started having a little vaginal bleeding. I thought it was related to the hormones, and was not worried about it, but after a few months, decided to inform my doctor. She ordered tests, and in September, I found out that I had endometrial cancer. One week later, it was gone - following a hysterectomy. No need for chemo or radiation. Just gone.

I’ve tried (accidentally) to cold turkey the hormones, but the night sweats came back in a fury, even if I took half the dose. Historically, I don’t cope well with sleep deprivation, I’m not ready for that plunge into misery. So, the slow plod into allowing my body to balance hormones continues. Someday soon, I will do it on my own.

In the meantime, Austin was diagnosed with carcinoid tumors, for the second time, the same week I found out about my cancer. We have been awaiting his surgery, coming up soon. His original surgery (eleven years ago) took out all of the primary tumors they could find in his small intestine, but no lymph nodes. It is a slow growing cancer (“sluggish” is the term doctors use to describe it). You might note that 10.5 years is a long time for a cancer to reappear. It appears to have been growing in at least one lymph node. His symptoms suggest that it may be in the liver, as well, which has a much more positive prognosis, after treatment, than most cancers. (Unlike the aggressive, star shaped tumors of other cancers, carcinoids are round, and look, to me, much like sebaceous cysts. I once watched a doctor remove a large sebaceous cyst from a man's head, and it popped out and rolled across the floor. Carcinoids can behave in a similar manner. Really, sometimes they just roll across the floor and have to be recovered.) This is a neuroendocrine cancer of cells that produce different hormones and neurotransmitters, Austin’s tumors produce excessive amounts of serotonin, and possibly other things. (Another aside about carcinoids of the small intestine, that I would like to get out there: The excessive amounts of serotonin produced by the tumors cause scaring of the small bowel that is clearly visible on the outside surface. The scar tissue causes the bowel to shrink or kink at the sites of the tumors. Some people who have them experience a lot of pain when they eat, and are misdiagnosed for years with irritable bowel syndrome, or even Chron's Disease. Austin had no pain. Carcinoids are difficult to diagnose, and I have had many friends over the years with abdominal pain that could warrant an evaluation, if treatment does not appear to work.) Austin’s surgery could end up being very extensive, his doctor is the regional specialist for this type of cancer, has done lots of research on carcinoids, and was instrumental in developing treatment guidelines. He is aggressive about finding and extracting most of the tumors, as this significantly extends the life of the client (even if they don’t remove all of them). Austin has been assured that he can have a good quality, long life after removing as many tumors as possible. Still, the prospect of losing organs and parts of organs, and having his innards rearranged, is frightening for Austin. We can also assume that the excessive amount of serotonin in his system could be creating some mood changes, adding to the (justifiable) presurgical anxiety.

So, true to the ironic nature of menopause, it seems that one never goes through the change alone. There must always be more than one hormonally challenged person in a household. Austin gets to cross the threshold into some semblance of normalcy a little quicker, but with more discomfort and scars. Together we exercise religiously (I would say joyously), meditate, eat healthy, write, talk, and support each other. We have a community that provides support when we need it. We live in a beautiful environment and feel connected to the natural world. Excepting a few bumpy hormonal (and surgical) rides, life is good.

** 

Say Goodbye to the Hornets

The hornets and yellowjackets are cruising for their last snacks before the frost gets them. Yellowjackets have been particularly annoying, lately, buzzing around hair and exposed skin. If you stay calm while brushing them away, they seldom sting. They appear to be curious, more than aggressive, perhaps they want to taste the perspiration on skin, or whatever moisturizer one happens to be using.

In September at the Coho retreat at Camp Whispering Winds, I found some paper from a hornets nest lying in the woods. It consists of a beautiful array of different kinds of wood pulp, blended with the saliva of the bald-faced hornet. Their nests are frequently way up in the trees, on a completely different level than human habitation, so I seldom notice them. It was a gift to find this fragile paper lying on the ground. Later, I came upon this hornet nest in the cemetery, next door to Coho. It was close to the ground. I watched it for two weeks and never saw a hornet. Assuming that the county had the nest emptied by our local hornet collector, Austin helped me get the nest. (Yes, there is a guy who collects hornets and yellowjackets from their nests and sends them off to a lab that creates an anti-venom to treat people who have been severely stung, or who may be allergic to stings.) We got it before it was damaged by a lot of rain. So, if you would like to see it, check out our porch. We figure it will be a scary Halloween decoration, if anyone happens to look up. It is probably full of larvae who starved to death after the adults were removed, so it might not smell all that good until it is sufficiently dried out. We also have a hornet who fell out of the nest, so you can see what the inhabitants looked like.

To learn more about hornets, please check out this German website, written by someone who clearly loves hornets. You can see the life cycle of the hornets, photos of the larvae in their kindergarten (cute!), and learn lots of interesting facts about hornets, such as this tidbit: “Hornets are the top predators of the insect world comparable with the birds of prey in the bird world. They are the eagles of the insects. Gardeners should be glad to have a hornet nest nearby!” Somewhere later in the article, I found a statement that the bald-faced hornet, native to North America is not a real hornet. Well, if you would like a close-up look at our “not-real” hornet, drop by.